Mornings in

Publicerad 2016-11-27 09:54:00 i Livet,

The last week I've been feeling rather trodden down, tired and anxious. I suppose it's a response to a multitude of factors; having a breakdown not too long ago, the sun appearing less and less, term nearing its end etc etc. Either way, I just feel less equipped to deal with the monstrous amount of tasks that I took on at the start of the year, like the work load is finally getting to me. 
And I've tried to deal with it by getting by doing just what's necessary, nothing more nothing less. So I've had longer mornings in eating my porridge and putting on makeup, put less pressure on myself to create and produce, and more consciously prioritised evenings in. Just to calm down, to center. Prepare myself for the last stretch before christmas break. Take a breath. Then another. And then get on with everything again.

About those small moments

Publicerad 2016-11-25 17:47:00 i Livet,

Life is about so much more than the moments and feelings I've been telling you about on here recently. I've mostly just focused on hopelessness and heartbreak, even though there's been so much more to my days than that. There's been so many moments of friends, happiness, dance, drinks and studies. And I thought I'd tell you about some of them, so here's a few.
◊ Spending day after day in that study pod up in LPS writing away at essays and drinking more coffee than any human should be able to take. Helping each other out with statistics and keeping away the stress of deadlines with funny videos and frozen songs. 
◊ When we were at that club in London and I pulled on the hottest guy in there. We were just about to leave as I saw him walking towards me and I stepped in front of him and said 'boy is your name homework because I'm not doing you right now and I should be'. And I don't know how, or why, but it worked.
◊ Going to the midnight screening of fantastic beasts with Laura. And then going to another showing of it a couple of days later. 
◊ When I got to present the research I did over the summer with the head of department, and tell all my peers and lecturers about our findings. I was so nervous about it, until I realised that if I screwed up no one would know because no one in that room knew more about it than I did. So we presented it. It went so well, and it was just so much fun. 
◊ And once that presentation was done I went over to chat to the head of department and thank her for the opportunity, and she gave me a hug and told me that she was so proud of me. I was beaming of joy from that for hours. 
◊ When Sam and I finally managed the waltz routine and we went through it over and over again, swirling through Mandela hall like it was the easiest thing in the world.

◊ Being called 'Mother Period' by a grateful student that just found out that we give out free sanitary towels and tampons and moon cups. 

◊ Sitting in the staircase with a group of friends I'd just met eating pizza, waiting for another friend to finish whomever she was in her bedroom with so we could come in to grab our stuff and leave. Because, you see, it was three in the morning and three hours later I was scheduled to work, so I really should have been going by then. But at that point, that didn't matter. All that mattered was the people, the staircase and the pizza. 

◊ When he called me drunk in the middle of the night and told me he misses me and I told him I miss him too. It's nice to mean something like that to someone again. 


You're strong, but you're not invincible

Publicerad 2016-11-18 17:37:22 i Livet,

And then, suddenly, it hits you. Everything just gets too much, and you have to grab a hold of the counter to stay steady. Make a conscious effort to stay standing.
Life is ups and downs, and over the past few months you've travelled far. From homeless and hopeless and with a galaxy of despair roaring in your chest to a functionable human being, with routines and prepared lunches and a big pack of schampoo standing in the shower. Compared to where you were in august, you're doing well.
But then it hits you, and all the progress you've made just washes away. You don't know what the reason is. Maybe his message. Maybe that you haven't slept enough. Maybe that you haven't eaten for a while. Maybe that you haven't talked to your dad for months. It doesn't really matter. After feeling so well for so long falling down again was long overdue. 
Leaning against the counter whilst the pasta is cooking, you cry and you cry and you cry. Like you haven't cried for months. And for a moment, you fear that that bottomless pit of despair that encompassed your entire being during the summer months has opened up again. Thank god it hasn't. This pit isn't bottomless. You can still stay standing. 
You make your dinner, go up to your room. Put on a film, call Oscar and then when Evelyn gets home you make tea and talk whilst she bakes cookies. This will happen. It will hit you, out of nowhere it will come back and hit you like a sledge hammer. You can't prevent that. All you can do is just to make sure that you stay standing.
Two things are certain in life. You are going to make progress, and you are going to fall down. Remember, you're strong, but you're not invincible.


Publicerad 2016-11-02 16:15:11 i Livet,

Something I've been thinking alot about lately is how easily we let ourselves be fooled. Specifically, how easily we allow ourselves to just see the good sides of someone. How blind we allow ourselves to be for the sake of appreciation; how many faults we can forgive for the sake of perfection. It's like speeding past warning signs, thinking that if we don't stop and think about the risks then the danger isn't real. Except it is. It still and always is.
The biggest part of growing up for me has been around breaking down this fallability, my insistant inclination to just want to like someone. To excuse everything that doesn't fit into my idealised view of them; to chose not to see anything that isn't good. And it's kind of unfair. Not just to me, but to them. To place them on this piedestal, have them represent everything good about humanity, when they're in reality just these flawed lonely humans like everyone else.
But it's also unfair to me. Because when you decide to let someone close without taking into account their lesser sides, when you decide to trust someone without seeing all of them, you make yourself vulnerable to people undeserving of it. See people as complex beings, sure, and realise that every person is a pryzm of goods and bads, but also, allow yourself a standard of decency. Don't let just anyone close. Don't put them on any piedestal they don't deserve.
We love being fooled. We love only listening to the voices of appreciation when we meet someone new. When they've just fallen into your world and everything and everyone seems to focus around how brilliant this new person is. We love that. And we love listening to and believing it. Perfection is such an intriguing illusion, and all we want to do is fall for it.